what was the whole POINT and PURPOSE of calling me up at 4 in the fucking morning!? what? to tell me that you'd call me tomorrow, & then never do it? to have me MAKE fucking plans with you, just so you can ditch me, and *not* let me get ahold of you all fucking day?
this is one of the shittiest things i've ever seen you do....!!!!EVER!


you just don't get it, do you! you have to stop behaving this way. you're heading for rock bottom. [STOP FUCKING LEADING ME ON] it is NOT appreciated. i hate you when you do these things. i hate it, and i hate you SO much.

you don't even understand how much i would be willing to DO for you! like, holy fuck. i really wanted to see you tonight, i haven't seen you in a really long time, and what, all of a sudden now you act as though you're too good for me? and you can't put aside a couple HOURS? it's noT that much to ask. i wanted to see you badly enough to clean my entire fucking HOUSE so that my mom had no reason to say no when i asked if someone could come over. i got fucking ready. for NOTHING. nothing. i guess that's what you're good for, nothing. you LOOVEEE proving me wrong, and making me feel like shit eh? well, guess what! it's not your fucking job, so get over it.

do you know that i called your mom's cell a billion times today? to get ahold of you? and i NEVER DO THAT. but i did! yes. i did. and finally, got ahold of your mom and LOW & BEHOLD she said that you'd already gone somewhere!! yeah, okay..i see the way this works. & don't think i won't remember this. cause you are certainly NOT getting away with this. oh no. waking me up out of a sound sleep to fucking yell at whomever you please on the streets and then say, 'well, i gotta go now, i don't want the battery to die in case we need it later. i'll call you in a couple hours'. and hang up!
get some fucking emotions, i'm so ashamed to WANT to see you now, cause you don't even have the balls to call up and cancel. i hope you know how LOW this is of you, after i asked you about a week AGO to do something tonight. and yet, here i am, once again, being BLOWN OFF by you, you fucking prick.

don't bother calling me to make up some lame excuse as to why you didn't call, and didn't come, cause i don't need any of your bullshit. in fact,i'm fed up with it. i KNOW you're probably seeing someone else, i don't really care, the thought never bothered me, even after my older brother and his friend saw you holding some girls hand walking home one night. i really don't care. and you can deny it alll you bloody well want, but i trust my brother and i know he wouldn't lie about something like that. so whatever, you go have fun drinking with your friends, and just remember how miserable you made me. i hope it sticks, and i hope you have trouble sleeping at night because you realized just how much of a FOOL YOU ARE to have thrown the best thing in your life away.

you said it was a silly question, but at the time i never knew how silly it really was.
you asked me to go get high with you. i just grinned. and had a laughing fit. *teehee* thanks for that. genuine.

for the sake of feeling, i'll show you how it's really done. one touch, and you'll be spun out... but you don't miss along ANY lines;
you can't even be genuine. be yourself. you attempted &&& failed. sick with grief, loss of sleep, all over you + your idiotic words that pranced around my mind, and barely scratched my hearts surface.
and everytime you form an attachment of any kind to someone you can't wait to throw it all away. tell me, why the hell you do this cause i don't understand. make me see. high hopes, anticipation for something you know will never show...you're the epitome of a bad song. chords arrayed, birds off-key, you're all that + more for making me feel like shit.
that wasn't your priviledge...misused and abused. i hope you lose yourself between the lines, if you read that closely. you're angry, upset, confused based on your PRESUMPTIONS...i never ditched you...you left me.
you get what you give..your 'just desserts'; & yeah, now you'll never hear me admit i miss you cause you blew your last chance. you REALLY did it this time. [no more influence on me]
i'll find my inspiration elsewhere, he's close to be found, and close to touch. and he's not you./so shove it.
[almost fell to my knees...blinding water flashs all around me, and the grit between the ground and the space where i can be found...
the water surrounds me, cave in if not for you, for me. all i want to listen to is your heart, but you won't let me in, you just push me farther. so be it.]

you make me feel that everything in the world is magnified with essense.
everything's alive. ALIVE. you make things work. and maybe it's the smoke affecting my lungs, but i saw something different tonight that maybe i was too blind, or too naive to see/notice before.
you.
that's what i saw.
[and i'm sorry i burnt you with your own cigarette. that was a mistake. bad idea [k + booze + marijuana = nonono]
bjork invigorates me, and your soul makes me feel ...rejuvenized. [is that how you spell it?]
funny how times change...
he got me hooked, addicted, and now it's you i look to to turn to. [just me, or is that last bit a tad confusing?]
i wish i could have felt my thighs, and my ass didn't go all jelloid on me. not then, not now, not ever.
waltzing down maitland, shaking my ass and waving my hands...breakdancing to beastie boys, what MORE could you ask for? honestly.

i couldn't even spell my own name right... and i've had this incredible urge to sneeze for the past 5 minutes. that's what you've done to me. gotten me sick and all dizzy. but i don't mind ;o)

i whispered 'shhh' though i knew you couldn't hear it, and the way my heart was beating, way too rapidly, changed my voice and caused it to waver. don't you love when things happen for the most strange reasons?

i can't get over this. this ... day is so complex and beautiful. and rare. :)

you called me three times last night /// 3.
once at midnight, once at 2, and once at 3...we talked for a long time.
and tonight? when im kissing someone elses lips? i.ll picture it.s you. i.ll be wanting you hopin' that you.ll walk through that door.
understood?
it will be you who i.m with, not him.




[\\the internet.s turned me emo.]

[if i were you, i probably wouldn.t care either...]

you know that feeling? the one where your throat feels all tight and sore because you know you.re about to cry? i'm experiencing that right now.
and you were STILL that asshole i told myself you weren.t last night. why. WHY!

when i think about all those times i made you smile... i just want to collapse in a heap on the floor. because i know that it's meaningless to you now.
however, if it isn.t and you still feel something, you are SUCH a perfect actor, cause i never see it. i did, but i don't anymore. no more calls from you, 'my friend'.... sure you are.
no matter how many times i try to tell myself NO, stop thinking about you, i only think of you more...can you explain how that is rational?
i would much rather be seeing andrew play at coffee house right now. why am i not there. [ .. ]

i am now the one who finds beauty in all those mysterious, most unlikely places. good grief.

i'm mad cause i think too much, and care/feel too much...when there are those who go by in life not giving a fuck.
i miss too much. i'm mad cause there are those who think too little, care too little,regardless of the situation they are placed in.
i'm mad that these people even exist,
but i'm even more pissed that i'm in love with one of them.

[however. i cannot express this to you. knowing you, your reaction will be all too clear and hurtful... and i hate myself for that.\\\]